If you're not familiar with it, lots of personal coaches talk about inner game. If you're not familiar with it, you can do a web search, but here's my take on it in a nutshell.
There's a saying that I really like, that encapsulates most of what you have to know about inner game, but applies to so much more.
But first--
so much of "inner game" is about you in your entirety--not how you are with women or anybody, but how you are with yourself. I was on the train the other day, trying not to overtly notice a young guy attempting to pick up a pretty young thing. He was doing pretty well, but he was clearly at that stage where it was a lot of work for him. He'd throw some lines, get a laugh and then let her talk for a while. During those pauses, you could see him give a sigh of relief, beetle his brow and lick his lips, worrying more about his next piece of material than what she was saying.
Most of all, what I saw during those pauses was that after each piece of material he'd throw out, he'd be scanning the girl's face for her response. On one hand, it IS important to get feedback from your audience or your risk boring/losing them, or even going down the wrong road. But you could see he was looking for her approval.
Now judging response is important to be effective, but however the interaction goes, it shouldn't affect your inner emotional state. No matter what your approach, the person you are talking to will pick up on it if you are really looking for their approval, and it can torpedo you. What can make any approach work can be that simple --having that strong inner state (ideally fun & excitement, or badboy, or whatever is natural for you). It's like being an athlete with strong legs--whatever the sport, having a solid base makes it better. Approach a girl because she looks like fun and because you have fun approaching, and fun making her laugh.
Inner game is that solid base.
Now here's the saying I really like:
It's like a mirror--you can't stare into it and say "I'll smile if you smile first." You'll never get a smile that way. But if you're smiling when you go up to the mirror, you'll get a smile 100% of the time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
If you still believe men think about sex more than women: HALLOWEEN
For those of you still harboring the misapprehension that men think about sex more than women, I offer you Halloween.
Yeah, Halloween, when people let their inner demons out. The one day a year people can be whatever they ever though of being.
How do the guys dress? A vampire, a werewolf, a hero, a web page, a toilet.
How do the girls dress? A sexy vampire, A sexy werewolf, a sexy hero, a sexy web page, and yes, you know it, a sexy toilet.
Yeah, Halloween, when people let their inner demons out. The one day a year people can be whatever they ever though of being.
How do the guys dress? A vampire, a werewolf, a hero, a web page, a toilet.
How do the girls dress? A sexy vampire, A sexy werewolf, a sexy hero, a sexy web page, and yes, you know it, a sexy toilet.
I don't think I have to say any more ;^)
(Except, see the following pictures, and thanks to the photographers. Check out their art!)
Halloween 2009 NYC subway.
A guy dressed like a character from, erm, "Alice in Wonderland," or maybe even "Alice in Dune."
Sexy Halloween Costumes - Hard Rock Hotel & Casino - South Florida
A sexy traffic cop and a sexy, uhh, apple tree.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Hilarious Pick-up scene starring Jason Robards
I have nothing much to say about this. It's perfect the way it is. Take a look and tell me what you think....
Jason Robards, from the classic 1968 film, The Night They Raided Minsky's.
Jason Robards, from the classic 1968 film, The Night They Raided Minsky's.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Live a little! Further speed dating notes FOR WOMEN
I ran into a friend of mine the other day. She'd read my article on speed dating and decided to give it a shot.
"Did you have fun?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "some of the guys were really nice."
"So you probably got a ton of dates out of it."
"Eehhh..." she wrinkled her nose.
"Only a few dates then. Any prospects?"
"Wellll..."
"Did you get any dates at all?" I was surprised. She's pretty good looking.
"Welll..."
"How many guys did you select?" I had to ask.
"Well, I, uh, I dunno."
"Let me get this straight. You paid x-amount of dollars to go to this event, dressed up did makeup, hair--"
"I got new shoes."
"You got new shoes, and you said the guys were nice, and you didn't choose anybody?"
Now this is something about, say, 70% of all the women that I know that drives me through the roof. They'll get so close to having what they want, and in the last minute wimp out. Now if I were one of her girlfriends, there'd be some kind of girl-bonding bravado about what jerks and dweebs the guys were, but it’s all BS. Guys do the same thing when they wimp out with women (“all those girls were fat or lesbians!”), but it doesn’t fool anyone, and your friends are just being kind.
HOWEVER, if they were really kind, they’d smack you upside the head and tell you to go right back in there and not leave till you got some phone numbers!
I don’t know why girls try to fool themselves into believing that chickening shows some kind of character, but I know that when they go home alone facing the prospect of TV and chips with the dog on a Saturday night, they can feel the truth, even if they won’t admit it in words.
A date is just a date. There’s no commitment involved, you don’t have to marry the guy, or even see him again if you don’t like him. The worst that happens, you sit through an hour of boring conversation. Just pick a place with cool cocktails and it’ll make it all bearable. Now I know, there’s some girlfriend who’s even lonelier than you who’ll try to scare you with tales of stalkers and date-rapists and axe-murderers and cannibals, but truth of the matter is 99% of the guys you’ll meet are as normal as you are. Just be as smart as you would on any other first date: a public place you’re comfortable with, and a time limit (ie: first date 1 ½ hours tops, even if it’s love at first sight), and don’t drink too much. Besides, not every guy is that into you. He may just want you as a friend. I’ve done a number of speed dating events and if I meet a woman I like but don’t want to date, I’ll still get together with her as a friend. It’s not always about sex!
Chances are, if you’re speed dating, it’s a sign you have to rethink your criteria or the kind of guys you’ve been limiting yourself to. Start now.
At the very least, contact all the guys who aren’t totally inappropriate for you. Get to know them a little and DO go out with at least three or four of them. You may be very happily surprised.
"Did you have fun?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "some of the guys were really nice."
"So you probably got a ton of dates out of it."
"Eehhh..." she wrinkled her nose.
"Only a few dates then. Any prospects?"
"Wellll..."
"Did you get any dates at all?" I was surprised. She's pretty good looking.
"Welll..."
"How many guys did you select?" I had to ask.
"Well, I, uh, I dunno."
"Let me get this straight. You paid x-amount of dollars to go to this event, dressed up did makeup, hair--"
"I got new shoes."
"You got new shoes, and you said the guys were nice, and you didn't choose anybody?"
Now this is something about, say, 70% of all the women that I know that drives me through the roof. They'll get so close to having what they want, and in the last minute wimp out. Now if I were one of her girlfriends, there'd be some kind of girl-bonding bravado about what jerks and dweebs the guys were, but it’s all BS. Guys do the same thing when they wimp out with women (“all those girls were fat or lesbians!”), but it doesn’t fool anyone, and your friends are just being kind.
HOWEVER, if they were really kind, they’d smack you upside the head and tell you to go right back in there and not leave till you got some phone numbers!
I don’t know why girls try to fool themselves into believing that chickening shows some kind of character, but I know that when they go home alone facing the prospect of TV and chips with the dog on a Saturday night, they can feel the truth, even if they won’t admit it in words.
A date is just a date. There’s no commitment involved, you don’t have to marry the guy, or even see him again if you don’t like him. The worst that happens, you sit through an hour of boring conversation. Just pick a place with cool cocktails and it’ll make it all bearable. Now I know, there’s some girlfriend who’s even lonelier than you who’ll try to scare you with tales of stalkers and date-rapists and axe-murderers and cannibals, but truth of the matter is 99% of the guys you’ll meet are as normal as you are. Just be as smart as you would on any other first date: a public place you’re comfortable with, and a time limit (ie: first date 1 ½ hours tops, even if it’s love at first sight), and don’t drink too much. Besides, not every guy is that into you. He may just want you as a friend. I’ve done a number of speed dating events and if I meet a woman I like but don’t want to date, I’ll still get together with her as a friend. It’s not always about sex!
Chances are, if you’re speed dating, it’s a sign you have to rethink your criteria or the kind of guys you’ve been limiting yourself to. Start now.
At the very least, contact all the guys who aren’t totally inappropriate for you. Get to know them a little and DO go out with at least three or four of them. You may be very happily surprised.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Speed Dating Tips
Do you go to speed dating events? Have you ever? Have you thought about it?
If it appeals to you, even the littlest bit, I certainly hope you'll try it, because they can be a lot of fun, but there are a few things you need to know that they never tell you.
Let's start at the beginning: What is speed dating? It's a dating event where single (presumably) people get together and play a sort of musical chairs, getting about five minutes to talk to a prospective date before getting up and moving to the next one. At the end of the evening, you'll have had a bunch if mini-dates, and a list of names. Typically, you go home, enter your matches into the organizer's web site, and if the people who you picked also picked you, you get the contact info and you can contact them and get to know them even better. Simple enough. What else do you need to know? I've got a few pointers!
Honestly, it takes a few experiences of these kinds of events to figure out the ground rules. I've been to a few, and I want to share with you what I've learned.
If you go in with the right attitude, it can be a great party, but with the wrong approach it's like a dozen job interviews in a row, and that's not fun.
THINGS TO CONSIDER:
Your expectations
Be open minded! Give people a chance. The biggest mistake that most people make, women especially, when going to a speed dating event is that they're too narrow in their criteria. If you haven't been meeting the kind of people you want to meet in other parts of your life, it may be that you've been limiting yourself in every area. You have the opportunity to meet a lot of different kinds of people at this event. Use that opportunity to your advantage!
Men, on the other hand, usually go in without any kind of criteria or expectations at all. Most of the men I see at these events have a sort of "deer in the headlights" look in their eyes, and no real plan at all.
Go in expecting to have a wonderful time. Think Dudley Moore in "Arthur" (just without the booze)--he had a great time everywhere he went, becasue he wanted to. The people you meet at these events want to be positively impressed by you. Be the cause, not the effect (this is also great advice for life in general).
If nothing else, think of it as if it were a high-school lab class for social skills. You WILL improve your social skills with these kinds of events.
Presentation--appearance
"You only have five seconds to make a good first impression," as they say, and nowhere is it more true than here. You will likely only get to talk to someone for a few minutes, so maximize what you're presenting. Dress well, and be aware of what you're conveying. You should wear clothes that you feel comfortable and natural in, but also that show you off the best. This is time to show off. Still, be natural, don't be too sloppy or too stiff, since it'll seem 10 times magnified to someone who only knows you for five minutes.
Presentation--what to talk about
Seriously, think about this before you go. The idea of preparing "material in advance" may seem counter to you're instincts, but you have so little time that you shouldn't waste it searching for something to say while you're sitting with a "date." I don't mean preparing a script, just be ready with a few fun topics that your date can relate to, and maybe that demonstrate what a nice person you are. Don't go into negative territory! Try not to let the conversation fall to job talk and the weather. That's boring, and you and I know you have some interesting stories to tell.
Prepare one or two stories about things you're passionate about, adventures or places or even movies.
Make sure you're stories are positive, and leave the "date" with a good feeling, since that's what they'll remember about you.
Don't get overly personal, don't gripe.
Ask questions: People LOVE to talk about themselves! Chances are, the person you're talking to also has a fascinating story to share. Ask them!
Ask people about their feelings, not facts! Men tend to get hung up on facts, but connections between people occur about their feelings. Ask about their feelings.
Show more energy than you might usually. Unless you're a very energetic person already, it doesn't hurt to amp up your intensity a bit. You only have a short time to make an impression. Strong impressions will leave them with strong memories.
Don't take it personally. Sometimes you just don't click with someone. It's OK, there are plenty more people to talk to. Very occasionally, you might meet someone who's just plain rude, or who comes there just to "pee in the punchbowl." Don't let them. DO tell the organizers, since they ruin it for everyone.
If you're brave, and you really like someone, ask for their contact info right there! You'd do it of you met them at a regular party, so why not now? Of course, don't take it personally if they say no. they might be shy with all those other people around.
AFTER THE EVENT
Be open minded and consider contacting people who might not have been exactly what you were looking for. Remember, you only got the slightest taste of the people you met, and sometimes people don't present themselves very well at first. Really consider giving people a second chance. I'm betting you have at least one friends who is close to you now, but whom you didn't much care for at first. Men, particularly, can be socially rather dense and don't show their better sides, while women can get overly demonstrative, and neither is an accurate representation of the person. If nothing else, some of these people might end up making great friends.
It's just a date. Too many people end up alone because they place too much emphasis on "a date." The first date you have with a person you meet will be the real chance to learn about them. Perhaps you were too impressed by her body to get to know the woman inside in just five minutes. Maybe the guy you thought you really liked at the event has nothing else to talk about but that one funny story. Five minutes is not enough time to really get to know a person! On the other hand, that guy or girl you just kinda liked might have needed more time to warm up and show their true greatness. Give 'em a chance, and have some fun! (Of course, be smart and safe, use reasonable common sense when meeting anyone).
Give it a try and let me know how it goes for you!
(c) 2009 Jeff Sauber
If it appeals to you, even the littlest bit, I certainly hope you'll try it, because they can be a lot of fun, but there are a few things you need to know that they never tell you.
Let's start at the beginning: What is speed dating? It's a dating event where single (presumably) people get together and play a sort of musical chairs, getting about five minutes to talk to a prospective date before getting up and moving to the next one. At the end of the evening, you'll have had a bunch if mini-dates, and a list of names. Typically, you go home, enter your matches into the organizer's web site, and if the people who you picked also picked you, you get the contact info and you can contact them and get to know them even better. Simple enough. What else do you need to know? I've got a few pointers!
Honestly, it takes a few experiences of these kinds of events to figure out the ground rules. I've been to a few, and I want to share with you what I've learned.
If you go in with the right attitude, it can be a great party, but with the wrong approach it's like a dozen job interviews in a row, and that's not fun.
THINGS TO CONSIDER:
Your expectations
Be open minded! Give people a chance. The biggest mistake that most people make, women especially, when going to a speed dating event is that they're too narrow in their criteria. If you haven't been meeting the kind of people you want to meet in other parts of your life, it may be that you've been limiting yourself in every area. You have the opportunity to meet a lot of different kinds of people at this event. Use that opportunity to your advantage!
Men, on the other hand, usually go in without any kind of criteria or expectations at all. Most of the men I see at these events have a sort of "deer in the headlights" look in their eyes, and no real plan at all.
Go in expecting to have a wonderful time. Think Dudley Moore in "Arthur" (just without the booze)--he had a great time everywhere he went, becasue he wanted to. The people you meet at these events want to be positively impressed by you. Be the cause, not the effect (this is also great advice for life in general).
If nothing else, think of it as if it were a high-school lab class for social skills. You WILL improve your social skills with these kinds of events.
Presentation--appearance
"You only have five seconds to make a good first impression," as they say, and nowhere is it more true than here. You will likely only get to talk to someone for a few minutes, so maximize what you're presenting. Dress well, and be aware of what you're conveying. You should wear clothes that you feel comfortable and natural in, but also that show you off the best. This is time to show off. Still, be natural, don't be too sloppy or too stiff, since it'll seem 10 times magnified to someone who only knows you for five minutes.
Presentation--what to talk about
Seriously, think about this before you go. The idea of preparing "material in advance" may seem counter to you're instincts, but you have so little time that you shouldn't waste it searching for something to say while you're sitting with a "date." I don't mean preparing a script, just be ready with a few fun topics that your date can relate to, and maybe that demonstrate what a nice person you are. Don't go into negative territory! Try not to let the conversation fall to job talk and the weather. That's boring, and you and I know you have some interesting stories to tell.
Prepare one or two stories about things you're passionate about, adventures or places or even movies.
Make sure you're stories are positive, and leave the "date" with a good feeling, since that's what they'll remember about you.
Don't get overly personal, don't gripe.
Ask questions: People LOVE to talk about themselves! Chances are, the person you're talking to also has a fascinating story to share. Ask them!
Ask people about their feelings, not facts! Men tend to get hung up on facts, but connections between people occur about their feelings. Ask about their feelings.
Show more energy than you might usually. Unless you're a very energetic person already, it doesn't hurt to amp up your intensity a bit. You only have a short time to make an impression. Strong impressions will leave them with strong memories.
Don't take it personally. Sometimes you just don't click with someone. It's OK, there are plenty more people to talk to. Very occasionally, you might meet someone who's just plain rude, or who comes there just to "pee in the punchbowl." Don't let them. DO tell the organizers, since they ruin it for everyone.
If you're brave, and you really like someone, ask for their contact info right there! You'd do it of you met them at a regular party, so why not now? Of course, don't take it personally if they say no. they might be shy with all those other people around.
AFTER THE EVENT
Be open minded and consider contacting people who might not have been exactly what you were looking for. Remember, you only got the slightest taste of the people you met, and sometimes people don't present themselves very well at first. Really consider giving people a second chance. I'm betting you have at least one friends who is close to you now, but whom you didn't much care for at first. Men, particularly, can be socially rather dense and don't show their better sides, while women can get overly demonstrative, and neither is an accurate representation of the person. If nothing else, some of these people might end up making great friends.
It's just a date. Too many people end up alone because they place too much emphasis on "a date." The first date you have with a person you meet will be the real chance to learn about them. Perhaps you were too impressed by her body to get to know the woman inside in just five minutes. Maybe the guy you thought you really liked at the event has nothing else to talk about but that one funny story. Five minutes is not enough time to really get to know a person! On the other hand, that guy or girl you just kinda liked might have needed more time to warm up and show their true greatness. Give 'em a chance, and have some fun! (Of course, be smart and safe, use reasonable common sense when meeting anyone).
Give it a try and let me know how it goes for you!
(c) 2009 Jeff Sauber
Friday, February 20, 2009
Create Sizzling connections NOW!
Make your conversations fascinating by using your dates' own feelings! Plenty of exercises & experiments for you to go out and try. Don't take my word for it--it works!
The Question, the Hook...
Ever get stuck in a dry conversation that turned into a “job interview?” No feeling of connection, no enthusiasm, and you just couldn’t get that spark? Ever have a great story or a routine, but your audience was just unreceptive? No connection?
People usually feel a connection when they’re both experiencing similar emotional states.
Think about it. When someone “really gets into” a TV show they usually feel a connection with their favorite character. A great song makes someone feel a connection to the singer, and people in a theater can feel so connected to the hero that they forget where they are—as long as the emotional state is strong. Here’s a really easy little conversational technique to jumpstart the momentum.
Read the whole thing by clicking here! (You'll be able to read it online, or download it as a PDF or word doc).
The Question, the Hook...
Ever get stuck in a dry conversation that turned into a “job interview?” No feeling of connection, no enthusiasm, and you just couldn’t get that spark? Ever have a great story or a routine, but your audience was just unreceptive? No connection?
People usually feel a connection when they’re both experiencing similar emotional states.
Think about it. When someone “really gets into” a TV show they usually feel a connection with their favorite character. A great song makes someone feel a connection to the singer, and people in a theater can feel so connected to the hero that they forget where they are—as long as the emotional state is strong. Here’s a really easy little conversational technique to jumpstart the momentum.
Read the whole thing by clicking here! (You'll be able to read it online, or download it as a PDF or word doc).
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
One of my most POWERFUL techniques
I'm going to start this blog off with something that works as well on a first date as it does on a tenth, applies to casual conversation as well as intimate sex, and can circumvent 99% of all the friction that exists in a relationship.
But first...
I want to talk a little bit about some aspects of relationships. Two people meet, and they like each other. The get to know each other, find commonalities, and decide that they want to continue to explore each other. On a deeper level, maybe an unconscious one, something inside senses that this is the right person to satisfy some of their needs. What needs? Understanding, intimacy, support, sexuality, romance, excitement, security...
Everybody has their own priorities, and everybody's is different. (What's on your list?)
Now, our two people will each have their own list, and some of the items will be the same for both, and some things different. And they both hope that, whether the items are the same or not, this other person will be able to satisfy their own needs (and hopefully, be glad to do it).
And at first they both work really had to do just that. And they really get to know each other. And they both get really comfortable with each other. It becomes a relationship.
So why is it that it's usually at this point that the friction starts. Shouldn't it all continue to get better?
As people get more comfortable with each other, their defenses come down, their door open, and they feel freer to 'be themselves' and also to expect their partner to understand them and their needs. Sometimes it happens, and other times it doesn't and when it doesn't, it causes friction. The friction can come later in a relationship because it's only when people are really comfortable and trusting of each other that they begin to expect their partners to know what they need. Because trust has come into play, if their partners don't satisfy their needs, they feel betrayed.
Does this sound familiar? What's a person to do?
It's great if our two lovers can communicate so clearly that they can simply say, "sweetie, I know you care for me, but I don't feel fulfilled unless you scratch my toes." (or make me feel special, or share your feelings with me, or whatever their particular need is).
One problem that occurs is that, a person may not be consciously aware of their needs, unable to communicate them, or assume that it's so obvious that it doesn't need to be said. they might even begin to believe that their partner is deliberately leaving them unsatisfied, or being deliberately insensitive.
Meanwhile, the partner maybe trying everything they can think of to make their beloved happy, and it's being thrown back in their face. Unappreciated!
Soon, doors are slamming, people aren't talking, and furniture is flying through the air.
What's a person to do?
Hang on. When I first started dating, like everyone else, I didn't have a clue. I was fairly forward, and lucky enough to kiss and cuddle with a lot of girls at parties (and any other chance I got!), and I quickly learned something.
Every woman is different.
The "rules" about what women like worked fine on paper, but not in practice.
I tried to make up my own rules, but what made one girl happy didn't work for another. I made more rules, and more rules, but they still didn't fit the bill. It was at this point that I discovered one of the rules of science: You can always apply a more complicated system over a simple one and make it fit, but that doesn't make it the right one.
Eventually, I found the right one, and threw all my other rules away.
Ready?
(Now understand, this works when you're interacting with another person, romantically or intimately, where their needs are concerned. It may not be the right thing for approaching or flirting. This is after you've already made connections). OK?
Touch your partner the way they touch you.
Physically, this is pretty easy, so I'll start there. It takes a little more imagination to apply it to other things.
Every start to kiss someone or hold them and even though they want you to do it, they don't like it when you do?
Women often complain that men are too aggressive or rough, and men sometimes claim women are too slow and gentle. And that causes frustration.
When touching begins, be aware of what your partner is doing to you, and give it back to them. For years, women's magazines have been insisting that men need to understand the importance of foreplay, for example, and that is very true. Many women love that slow wind up. most often, those women will also approach other aspects of their romance with the same approach: gradually warming up and getting more comfortable with the interaction. It's not true of all women, or women at all times. If a woman interacts more confidently, she may want a man who acts more confidently.
To the same degree, women need to know that for men, the slow build-up isn't ideal. Men aren't such delicate creatures, most of the time, and they want to feel the woman more strongly or their neurology doesn't respond as well. Neither is right or wrong, it's just how it is, physiologically.
Understanding the differences in your partner's needs can help you make them happier, and in turn, they will want to, and know how, to make you happier. Mind you, it isn't always possible or even fun for both to do this at the same time. So sometimes it might work best for one partner to focus on the other, one time, and then reciprocate. Just remember that each should get a fair share!
It wold be as silly for a man to say the woman has to learn to love it his way as it would be for a woman to say the man must learn to respond her way. Each person needs to be allowed to enjoy their own experience, and being able to give a person that is what makes a great relationship.
BTW, this is also true for same-sex couples. everybody is different, even then, and if your partner can't or wont talk about what they need, they will still show it in the way they approach you.
So how do we apply this to the bigger picture?
Just as we can become aware of the way a partner is touching us, and touch them in the same way, so to can we be aware of the way a partner tries to engage us in other ways and do the same.
Here's a classic scenario: Our guy calls his girl and tells her to get ready for a romantic evening. She excitedly agrees and tells him to come over at 7:00. When the time arrives, she meets him at the door in a cocktail dress, ready for a night of dinner and slow dancing at a fancy club. He meets her at the door in a flannel shirt and sneakers, with a bunch of DVDs under one arm and a bag of take-out food under the other, ready for a cosy evening snuggling on the couch.
Or perhaps is something as simple as a woman feeling unloved because her partner never returns her hugs, while the man feels unloved because she never returns his pats on the back.
Different people express themselves differently, but the way they express themselves tell you the way they also understand what their expressing. If a pat on the back feels like love to this guy, he may not understand the importance of the hug to her, just as she may not understand the importance of the pat to him.
Now what's really interesting, is that, at least in my experience, when you give people what they want in the way they want it, they are much more open and willing to return the favor, and may even do it unconsciously!
So, when you interact with people, and you want to express your feelings towards them, by all means do it the way feels right to you, but also be aware of the way that's right for them. They'll love you for it!
Now take this with you and try it out, and tell me what you think!
But first...
I want to talk a little bit about some aspects of relationships. Two people meet, and they like each other. The get to know each other, find commonalities, and decide that they want to continue to explore each other. On a deeper level, maybe an unconscious one, something inside senses that this is the right person to satisfy some of their needs. What needs? Understanding, intimacy, support, sexuality, romance, excitement, security...
Everybody has their own priorities, and everybody's is different. (What's on your list?)
Now, our two people will each have their own list, and some of the items will be the same for both, and some things different. And they both hope that, whether the items are the same or not, this other person will be able to satisfy their own needs (and hopefully, be glad to do it).
And at first they both work really had to do just that. And they really get to know each other. And they both get really comfortable with each other. It becomes a relationship.
So why is it that it's usually at this point that the friction starts. Shouldn't it all continue to get better?
As people get more comfortable with each other, their defenses come down, their door open, and they feel freer to 'be themselves' and also to expect their partner to understand them and their needs. Sometimes it happens, and other times it doesn't and when it doesn't, it causes friction. The friction can come later in a relationship because it's only when people are really comfortable and trusting of each other that they begin to expect their partners to know what they need. Because trust has come into play, if their partners don't satisfy their needs, they feel betrayed.
Does this sound familiar? What's a person to do?
It's great if our two lovers can communicate so clearly that they can simply say, "sweetie, I know you care for me, but I don't feel fulfilled unless you scratch my toes." (or make me feel special, or share your feelings with me, or whatever their particular need is).
One problem that occurs is that, a person may not be consciously aware of their needs, unable to communicate them, or assume that it's so obvious that it doesn't need to be said. they might even begin to believe that their partner is deliberately leaving them unsatisfied, or being deliberately insensitive.
Meanwhile, the partner maybe trying everything they can think of to make their beloved happy, and it's being thrown back in their face. Unappreciated!
Soon, doors are slamming, people aren't talking, and furniture is flying through the air.
What's a person to do?
Hang on. When I first started dating, like everyone else, I didn't have a clue. I was fairly forward, and lucky enough to kiss and cuddle with a lot of girls at parties (and any other chance I got!), and I quickly learned something.
Every woman is different.
The "rules" about what women like worked fine on paper, but not in practice.
I tried to make up my own rules, but what made one girl happy didn't work for another. I made more rules, and more rules, but they still didn't fit the bill. It was at this point that I discovered one of the rules of science: You can always apply a more complicated system over a simple one and make it fit, but that doesn't make it the right one.
Eventually, I found the right one, and threw all my other rules away.
Ready?
(Now understand, this works when you're interacting with another person, romantically or intimately, where their needs are concerned. It may not be the right thing for approaching or flirting. This is after you've already made connections). OK?
Touch your partner the way they touch you.
Physically, this is pretty easy, so I'll start there. It takes a little more imagination to apply it to other things.
Every start to kiss someone or hold them and even though they want you to do it, they don't like it when you do?
Women often complain that men are too aggressive or rough, and men sometimes claim women are too slow and gentle. And that causes frustration.
When touching begins, be aware of what your partner is doing to you, and give it back to them. For years, women's magazines have been insisting that men need to understand the importance of foreplay, for example, and that is very true. Many women love that slow wind up. most often, those women will also approach other aspects of their romance with the same approach: gradually warming up and getting more comfortable with the interaction. It's not true of all women, or women at all times. If a woman interacts more confidently, she may want a man who acts more confidently.
To the same degree, women need to know that for men, the slow build-up isn't ideal. Men aren't such delicate creatures, most of the time, and they want to feel the woman more strongly or their neurology doesn't respond as well. Neither is right or wrong, it's just how it is, physiologically.
Understanding the differences in your partner's needs can help you make them happier, and in turn, they will want to, and know how, to make you happier. Mind you, it isn't always possible or even fun for both to do this at the same time. So sometimes it might work best for one partner to focus on the other, one time, and then reciprocate. Just remember that each should get a fair share!
It wold be as silly for a man to say the woman has to learn to love it his way as it would be for a woman to say the man must learn to respond her way. Each person needs to be allowed to enjoy their own experience, and being able to give a person that is what makes a great relationship.
BTW, this is also true for same-sex couples. everybody is different, even then, and if your partner can't or wont talk about what they need, they will still show it in the way they approach you.
So how do we apply this to the bigger picture?
Just as we can become aware of the way a partner is touching us, and touch them in the same way, so to can we be aware of the way a partner tries to engage us in other ways and do the same.
Here's a classic scenario: Our guy calls his girl and tells her to get ready for a romantic evening. She excitedly agrees and tells him to come over at 7:00. When the time arrives, she meets him at the door in a cocktail dress, ready for a night of dinner and slow dancing at a fancy club. He meets her at the door in a flannel shirt and sneakers, with a bunch of DVDs under one arm and a bag of take-out food under the other, ready for a cosy evening snuggling on the couch.
Or perhaps is something as simple as a woman feeling unloved because her partner never returns her hugs, while the man feels unloved because she never returns his pats on the back.
Different people express themselves differently, but the way they express themselves tell you the way they also understand what their expressing. If a pat on the back feels like love to this guy, he may not understand the importance of the hug to her, just as she may not understand the importance of the pat to him.
Now what's really interesting, is that, at least in my experience, when you give people what they want in the way they want it, they are much more open and willing to return the favor, and may even do it unconsciously!
So, when you interact with people, and you want to express your feelings towards them, by all means do it the way feels right to you, but also be aware of the way that's right for them. They'll love you for it!
Now take this with you and try it out, and tell me what you think!
Welcome to the blog!
Valentine's day is right around the corner, and it seems like the perfect time to get this Blog going. I'be been meaning to do this for a very long time. You know, now, more than ever, the web, TV, and the media are chock full of information about dating and romance. Some of it is great, some of it is terrible. I'd like to offer a few of my own, which have worked very well for me and for other people.
I don't claim to be an expert, but my approch to any kind of interpersonal interaction is based on listening, understanding and sensitivity.
I love feedback, good and bad, and I want to hear what you have to say, so don't be shy!
I don't claim to be an expert, but my approch to any kind of interpersonal interaction is based on listening, understanding and sensitivity.
I love feedback, good and bad, and I want to hear what you have to say, so don't be shy!
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