I saw a video clip of a guy approaching women in a really unique and funny way, and I couldn't wait to go out and try his technique. As luck would have it, I also got an invite to a speed dating event--15 "dates" in under 2 hours? perfect!
On my way there, as I was on the subway platform waiting for the train and I passed a very pretty girl on the platform. She held my eye contact (I always make friendly eye contact with pretty girls), and smiled back when I smiled. I didn't bother to chat her up, since I'd only be on the train for 3 stops (just a few minutes), but we ended up sitting across from each other, so I couldn't help but start a conversation. She seemed confident, and funny, but there wasn't really time to go much further with the chat. I didn't even have a chance to try out the new material, it was just natural, fun chat. Ah, well, I said to myself, I had a room full of lovelies waiting for me once I got off the train, right?
Well...
The women at the event all looked like they were there to apply for bank loans. Not down so much as just drab and serious. "Diminished expectations" written clearly across their faces. Not one of these women expected to have any success tonight. You could see it (I also asked a few). Not really the kind of women I like spending time with, but they seemed nice enough for a few minutes of chat.
Here's the thing that made it so odd: I couldn't bring myself to try the technique I saw on the video. What I saw seemed to create a very strong, fast connection. I couldn't do it, not out of fear of failure, but fear of success!
So here's the lesson: While I think it's great to practice social skills outside of your comfort zone, it's equally important to be 100% behind what you're doing. you have to be really attracted to the women, at least something about the women, to get the results. This is true with everything in life, not just dating. A lot of guys, approach women they don't really like, and they get rejected. Ironically, they may have been doing a perfectly fine job, but if, deep down, they don't really want that woman, it won't work (at least not so well).
Food for thought.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Inner game and the mirror
If you're not familiar with it, lots of personal coaches talk about inner game. If you're not familiar with it, you can do a web search, but here's my take on it in a nutshell.
There's a saying that I really like, that encapsulates most of what you have to know about inner game, but applies to so much more.
But first--
so much of "inner game" is about you in your entirety--not how you are with women or anybody, but how you are with yourself. I was on the train the other day, trying not to overtly notice a young guy attempting to pick up a pretty young thing. He was doing pretty well, but he was clearly at that stage where it was a lot of work for him. He'd throw some lines, get a laugh and then let her talk for a while. During those pauses, you could see him give a sigh of relief, beetle his brow and lick his lips, worrying more about his next piece of material than what she was saying.
Most of all, what I saw during those pauses was that after each piece of material he'd throw out, he'd be scanning the girl's face for her response. On one hand, it IS important to get feedback from your audience or your risk boring/losing them, or even going down the wrong road. But you could see he was looking for her approval.
Now judging response is important to be effective, but however the interaction goes, it shouldn't affect your inner emotional state. No matter what your approach, the person you are talking to will pick up on it if you are really looking for their approval, and it can torpedo you. What can make any approach work can be that simple --having that strong inner state (ideally fun & excitement, or badboy, or whatever is natural for you). It's like being an athlete with strong legs--whatever the sport, having a solid base makes it better. Approach a girl because she looks like fun and because you have fun approaching, and fun making her laugh.
Inner game is that solid base.
Now here's the saying I really like:
It's like a mirror--you can't stare into it and say "I'll smile if you smile first." You'll never get a smile that way. But if you're smiling when you go up to the mirror, you'll get a smile 100% of the time.
There's a saying that I really like, that encapsulates most of what you have to know about inner game, but applies to so much more.
But first--
so much of "inner game" is about you in your entirety--not how you are with women or anybody, but how you are with yourself. I was on the train the other day, trying not to overtly notice a young guy attempting to pick up a pretty young thing. He was doing pretty well, but he was clearly at that stage where it was a lot of work for him. He'd throw some lines, get a laugh and then let her talk for a while. During those pauses, you could see him give a sigh of relief, beetle his brow and lick his lips, worrying more about his next piece of material than what she was saying.
Most of all, what I saw during those pauses was that after each piece of material he'd throw out, he'd be scanning the girl's face for her response. On one hand, it IS important to get feedback from your audience or your risk boring/losing them, or even going down the wrong road. But you could see he was looking for her approval.
Now judging response is important to be effective, but however the interaction goes, it shouldn't affect your inner emotional state. No matter what your approach, the person you are talking to will pick up on it if you are really looking for their approval, and it can torpedo you. What can make any approach work can be that simple --having that strong inner state (ideally fun & excitement, or badboy, or whatever is natural for you). It's like being an athlete with strong legs--whatever the sport, having a solid base makes it better. Approach a girl because she looks like fun and because you have fun approaching, and fun making her laugh.
Inner game is that solid base.
Now here's the saying I really like:
It's like a mirror--you can't stare into it and say "I'll smile if you smile first." You'll never get a smile that way. But if you're smiling when you go up to the mirror, you'll get a smile 100% of the time.
Monday, November 2, 2009
If you still believe men think about sex more than women: HALLOWEEN
For those of you still harboring the misapprehension that men think about sex more than women, I offer you Halloween.
Yeah, Halloween, when people let their inner demons out. The one day a year people can be whatever they ever though of being.
How do the guys dress? A vampire, a werewolf, a hero, a web page, a toilet.
How do the girls dress? A sexy vampire, A sexy werewolf, a sexy hero, a sexy web page, and yes, you know it, a sexy toilet.
Yeah, Halloween, when people let their inner demons out. The one day a year people can be whatever they ever though of being.
How do the guys dress? A vampire, a werewolf, a hero, a web page, a toilet.
How do the girls dress? A sexy vampire, A sexy werewolf, a sexy hero, a sexy web page, and yes, you know it, a sexy toilet.
I don't think I have to say any more ;^)
(Except, see the following pictures, and thanks to the photographers. Check out their art!)
Halloween 2009 NYC subway.
A guy dressed like a character from, erm, "Alice in Wonderland," or maybe even "Alice in Dune."
Sexy Halloween Costumes - Hard Rock Hotel & Casino - South Florida
A sexy traffic cop and a sexy, uhh, apple tree.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Hilarious Pick-up scene starring Jason Robards
I have nothing much to say about this. It's perfect the way it is. Take a look and tell me what you think....
Jason Robards, from the classic 1968 film, The Night They Raided Minsky's.
Jason Robards, from the classic 1968 film, The Night They Raided Minsky's.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Live a little! Further speed dating notes FOR WOMEN
I ran into a friend of mine the other day. She'd read my article on speed dating and decided to give it a shot.
"Did you have fun?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "some of the guys were really nice."
"So you probably got a ton of dates out of it."
"Eehhh..." she wrinkled her nose.
"Only a few dates then. Any prospects?"
"Wellll..."
"Did you get any dates at all?" I was surprised. She's pretty good looking.
"Welll..."
"How many guys did you select?" I had to ask.
"Well, I, uh, I dunno."
"Let me get this straight. You paid x-amount of dollars to go to this event, dressed up did makeup, hair--"
"I got new shoes."
"You got new shoes, and you said the guys were nice, and you didn't choose anybody?"
Now this is something about, say, 70% of all the women that I know that drives me through the roof. They'll get so close to having what they want, and in the last minute wimp out. Now if I were one of her girlfriends, there'd be some kind of girl-bonding bravado about what jerks and dweebs the guys were, but it’s all BS. Guys do the same thing when they wimp out with women (“all those girls were fat or lesbians!”), but it doesn’t fool anyone, and your friends are just being kind.
HOWEVER, if they were really kind, they’d smack you upside the head and tell you to go right back in there and not leave till you got some phone numbers!
I don’t know why girls try to fool themselves into believing that chickening shows some kind of character, but I know that when they go home alone facing the prospect of TV and chips with the dog on a Saturday night, they can feel the truth, even if they won’t admit it in words.
A date is just a date. There’s no commitment involved, you don’t have to marry the guy, or even see him again if you don’t like him. The worst that happens, you sit through an hour of boring conversation. Just pick a place with cool cocktails and it’ll make it all bearable. Now I know, there’s some girlfriend who’s even lonelier than you who’ll try to scare you with tales of stalkers and date-rapists and axe-murderers and cannibals, but truth of the matter is 99% of the guys you’ll meet are as normal as you are. Just be as smart as you would on any other first date: a public place you’re comfortable with, and a time limit (ie: first date 1 ½ hours tops, even if it’s love at first sight), and don’t drink too much. Besides, not every guy is that into you. He may just want you as a friend. I’ve done a number of speed dating events and if I meet a woman I like but don’t want to date, I’ll still get together with her as a friend. It’s not always about sex!
Chances are, if you’re speed dating, it’s a sign you have to rethink your criteria or the kind of guys you’ve been limiting yourself to. Start now.
At the very least, contact all the guys who aren’t totally inappropriate for you. Get to know them a little and DO go out with at least three or four of them. You may be very happily surprised.
"Did you have fun?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "some of the guys were really nice."
"So you probably got a ton of dates out of it."
"Eehhh..." she wrinkled her nose.
"Only a few dates then. Any prospects?"
"Wellll..."
"Did you get any dates at all?" I was surprised. She's pretty good looking.
"Welll..."
"How many guys did you select?" I had to ask.
"Well, I, uh, I dunno."
"Let me get this straight. You paid x-amount of dollars to go to this event, dressed up did makeup, hair--"
"I got new shoes."
"You got new shoes, and you said the guys were nice, and you didn't choose anybody?"
Now this is something about, say, 70% of all the women that I know that drives me through the roof. They'll get so close to having what they want, and in the last minute wimp out. Now if I were one of her girlfriends, there'd be some kind of girl-bonding bravado about what jerks and dweebs the guys were, but it’s all BS. Guys do the same thing when they wimp out with women (“all those girls were fat or lesbians!”), but it doesn’t fool anyone, and your friends are just being kind.
HOWEVER, if they were really kind, they’d smack you upside the head and tell you to go right back in there and not leave till you got some phone numbers!
I don’t know why girls try to fool themselves into believing that chickening shows some kind of character, but I know that when they go home alone facing the prospect of TV and chips with the dog on a Saturday night, they can feel the truth, even if they won’t admit it in words.
A date is just a date. There’s no commitment involved, you don’t have to marry the guy, or even see him again if you don’t like him. The worst that happens, you sit through an hour of boring conversation. Just pick a place with cool cocktails and it’ll make it all bearable. Now I know, there’s some girlfriend who’s even lonelier than you who’ll try to scare you with tales of stalkers and date-rapists and axe-murderers and cannibals, but truth of the matter is 99% of the guys you’ll meet are as normal as you are. Just be as smart as you would on any other first date: a public place you’re comfortable with, and a time limit (ie: first date 1 ½ hours tops, even if it’s love at first sight), and don’t drink too much. Besides, not every guy is that into you. He may just want you as a friend. I’ve done a number of speed dating events and if I meet a woman I like but don’t want to date, I’ll still get together with her as a friend. It’s not always about sex!
Chances are, if you’re speed dating, it’s a sign you have to rethink your criteria or the kind of guys you’ve been limiting yourself to. Start now.
At the very least, contact all the guys who aren’t totally inappropriate for you. Get to know them a little and DO go out with at least three or four of them. You may be very happily surprised.
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